As the news inevitably slows to a mix of depressing reports on fatal traffic accidents and uplifting pictures of people in the provinces dancing around paper mache pigs, the international media conglomerate behind CNE has decided to give the regular staffers the legally required holiday break.
As we take a hiatus (although anything really good will probably get done by some intern knocking about the place), we wish all our readers a happy and safe Khmer New Year, full of merriment, strong chemically enhanced stout, regular electricity supplies and, most importantly safety and good health, wherever thee may be.
If you aren’t already acquainted with our, frankly at best, lower Scottish League standard team, you can read about them here.
Before they headed off for a well-deserved period of R n’R, they were asked what they were getting up to over the fleeting days of freedom away from CNE Tower.
Here’s what we found out….
A.P. Gee, as a workaholic, will remain locked in the office with enough supplies to last him until Wednesday evening; namely 2 cases of Black Panther, 17 cans of Klang, 6 bottles of Big Cola, 27 bananas, a carton of Fine and 3 empty buckets for gibbonly excreta (for ones, twos and sick).
New Year’s message “They’ll be no monkey business on this lesser-apes holiday watch!”
He’s also on time and a half.
Complaints Department Langur
Dave, as one of the most critically endangered primates on the planet, has no family left to speak of. He made up a story about visiting friends in the countryside, but really everyone knows he’s going to spend his sanctioned break hiding under a bush in Wat Botum park.
First Secretary to the Chief Indochinese Latung
Bob is heading back to visit his homeland in Mndolkiri. He plans to do some animist voodoo, crush a few cans and spend a night in a Kreung community love hut.
Keep an eye out for Bob in Banlung, where he’s sure to be heading to mooch free wi-fi in order to download podcasts from Ambridge to get his fix of his favourite BBC radio drama The Archers.
Undersecretary Barbary Ape
Paulo is taking the time out to try (again) to get clean, with an intensive bout of cognitive behavioral therapy.
Although the Pai Rehab Center, where our Barbary Ape has booked a place in, has a strictly zero tolerance policy, it’s a safe bet that Paulo will cram a dozen xanax and a teenth of kif up his smuggler’s pocket.
Environment Slow Loris
Nary will just go to sleep, and may find some time to play with her Ouija board.
J-Dog will head for songkran in Aranyaprathet, where he will perch on a 7-11 sign, avoiding water and having a good ogle at boobies.
Sophal, the sporting pangolin, will, as always, be volunteering with less fortunate victims of wildlife trafficking at Tamao zoo.
Thevy the tourism turtle will just hang out at The Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints temple in BKK1. She hopes there will not be a repeat of last year, when a recently converted Vietnamese teenager mistook her for a bicycle helmet and took her balanced on his head around the slums of Stung Meanchey.
Daddy Mac, when asked about his New Year, gruffly told everyone in the office to “F*** off and mind your own f***ing business, you bunch of c***s”
However, a Google search for ‘ladyboys, jomtien beach’ was spotted on his work computer after he forgot to delete browsing history.
CG has already started his arduous hike back to Kampong Speu’s Aoral mountain after being told he was too big to take the free bus service.
He was last spotted on Friday near Kambol go-kart track, wheezing.